KATHLEEN NORTH - page 8

Wedding Proposals conjures up images of romance, surprise and absolute joy of that magical moment, and the future shared life.

James and John both proposed to their partners in Cornwall, in beautiful, moving and deeply personal ways. Here are their stories:

James, 38 and Megan Browne, 37, live in Warwickshire with their 10 month old son Finley. James is a Director of a Digital Agency. Megan is an Assistant Head Teacher at a Secondary School.

‘We met on Match.com in 2010. Meg had had a few dates on the platform but she was the one and only date I had from Match. 

I immediately knew I wanted a serious relationship with Meg. We both fondly remember those first few months. It felt like a very natural process. We were both cautious as I had never really been in love before, so it was a gradual build up. It was 6 years before we got engaged. I knew I’d met someone really special and Meg felt the same. 

Cornwall was our first holiday destination so I wanted to propose there. Also, Meg loves the Cornish coast. I knew the area a little but because of distance and logistics, I needed help. Jenny (who I found on Google) was an experienced wedding planner so clearly I was in safe hands. We looked at a few options. 

We discussed another elaborate plan – then Jen told me about Lusty Glaze. It seemed to be the perfect spot, where we could stay over, get engaged and have dinner afterwards. 

Due to the time of year, we could pretty much guarantee we would have the beach to ourselves. Meg loves camping so having a bell tent with a candle lit walkway leading to it from our cabin was perfect. The bell tent was incredible. When we arrived it was beautifully lit, with a romantic fire and personal items such as photos of us. I then presented Meg with a photobook which documented our key relationship moments. I was on one knee when Meg reached the final page, a photograph of me holding a “Will you marry me?” sign. We toasted our future with a glass of fizz by the fire, looking out over the Atlantic. The whole proposal was captured discreetly. We now have a video and photos of that incredible moment.  

Meg was genuinely shocked. She had moments in the day where she thought it might be on the cards but by the time it got to the evening, she was expecting my brother to turn up  – he was a decoy! She couldn’t believe the scene and felt that it was the perfect setting for the proposal she’d been waiting for!

We married in August 2017 in our home county of Warwickshire and honeymooned in Italy. Meg planned an elaborate road trip. We welcomed our son Finley in early 2020, just as the Covid pandemic took hold of the UK. 

John Appleby, 36, and Sarah Appleby, 38, live in Hertfordshire. John is a co-founder of tech company in compliance and business management. Sarah is a driving instructor with her own driving school. They have two boys; Jaxon, 2, and Colby, 6 months.

We originally met when we were 15 and 17.  We were both working locally. Sarah worked in a cafe. I use to visit multiple times a day, pretending to be hungry. All I wanted was to see her! I hinted at having a crush on her, but it never materialised. 

On Christmas Day, 18 years later, my sister showed me Sarahs picture on Facebook, saying this woman knows you. I instantly recognised Sarah. My sister was taught to drive by Sarah and were good friends still. We exchanged messages for weeks until our first date.

I think we both knew pretty quickly we liked each other. I made it clear – I wish I had when I was 15! Sarah took a bit longer than me, purely as I had quite a large beard at the time. Unfortunately, the caveman look did not appeal to her! 

I knew I wanted to do something special. After weeks of researching and realising that although Sarah is incredibly organised – I couldn’t ask her! I needed an expert.

Once I had confirmed St Ives, Cornwall, as a location, I contacted relevant companies. I instantly connected with Jenny and we secretly communicated over a few weeks.

Sarah was pregnant at the time so I knew she would not want to fly.

With amazing panoramic views, I knew St Nicholas Chapel was the place I wanted. Jenny looked into the logistics of using the chapel and after considering other options, my heart was firmly with St Nicholas chapel.

After sending photos to be displayed of us, and a playlist of some of our favourite songs, Jenny created a plan of how it will look and how the evening will play out. The plan was after our meal that evening, we would go for a walk and find our way to St Nicholas Chapel.

After our dinner, I coordinated with Jenny so she was waiting close by to ensure it went smoothly. Sarah was feeling tired so I had to use every persuasion skill to encourage her to go for a light walk before bed.  

As we walked up the dark hill, Sarah kept asking where are we going. We approached a chalk board. It asked Sarah to take the key and open the door. After tentatively unlocking it, Sarah was greeted by pictures of us, her favourite flowers and music playing. 

My rehearsed speech went out the window. I got down on one knee and presented her the ring. She immediately burst into tears and shouted yes. We returned to the fire pit, toasting marshmallows whilst enjoying the views. Sarah was so overwhelmed! She couldn’t believe that I went to all of the effort for her, she said it felt like she was in a movie. 

We married in October 2019, at of Wasing Park, in Berkshire. It was an incredible day that took a lot of planning, and was worth the wait. 

Jennifer Granlund, Wedding & Event Planner:
jennywrens.com

During these incredibly difficult times, it can be easy to blame politicians, dwell on the challenges of living through a pandemic or feel hugely frustrated with those in charge. However, to be more introspective and examine our own growth during this upsetting time is both healing and somewhat fascinating.  It may also be the most unique experience you will have during your life.

Many people have discovered an inner strength yet still find themselves struggling in everyday situations. 

Walking and connecting to nature is very pivotal to a persons wellbeing. Staying in contact with friends and family, maintaining connections to those close to us is emotionally important – in fact, essential. Being a people person makes lack of socialising difficult so ensuring regular and meaningful contact can keep our emotional wheels turning. 

Where can you find emotional comfort: loved ones, nature, animals possibly favourite hobbies or pastime. For each of us, it will be something different. Whatever gives you a sense of calm, some inner peace, must be embraced and cherished.

The time that we spend by ourselves can be revelation. It gives us the opportunity to explore what is important to us. It provides real time emotional space to discover or rediscover what our priorities are, in all areas of our lives. It is incredible yet somehow poignant that small moments and rituals can make such a big impact on our daily routines.  Whether it is a coffee and a browse through the newspapers or a stroll through a favourite park, recognise what gives you sense of wellbeing.  Feeling loved and cared for gives us all a sense of security. Looking at the past is pointless and trying to predict the future is also using up our energy on a fruitless task. It is worth channelling our feelings on what we can make a difference to, not on situations we have no control over.  The time this situation allows us gives us a chance to be honest with ourselves. Not in a judgemental way but in a measured, knowing way. The only solace at the moment is to live in and appreciate the moment. Has this crisis brought out qualities in ourselves? 

Almost certainly. Empathy, awareness and developing inner strength are all emotional assets, especially now when we need to embrace them more than ever. Some individuals who have needed to self isolate understand more about their own personality.  It allows time to reflect on my strengths, my fragilities, in fact, it gives us room to consider and think about various situations and events throughout our lives.  For others, the extra time has been an opportunity to take on tasks and jobs they would have previously paid for.  Be it home hair colouring, garden maintenance or some DIY jobs that have been neglected due to the pressures of everyday life.  

Vanessa Gebhardt, Mind Coach at Freeletics, the leading provider of AI-based fitness and mindset coaching.

Gebhardt states ‘The pandemic has been tough on everyone’s physical, emotional and mental health. People have learnt new things about themselves and how to cope during these strange times. I have learnt to slow down when it comes to working, which has made me look after my overall wellness and check in with myself every day. 

If you’re not sure where to start, just begin with a to-do list or simply write down your daily goals, thoughts and feelings, there is plenty of room for inspiration and writing down ideas. Journaling helps to give your life more structure, and checking the boxes gives you a feeling of achievement. It also allows you to emotionally navigate your feelings, make sense of them and figure out how to overcome them’.

Physical fitness is incredibly important at all times but non more so than now.  Our mental and emotional health is being severely challenged so the ability to channel our energies into our physical wellbeing is essential. It can prove positive for certain individuals to retain their particular routine, whether it’s a daily walk, online classes or a keep fit regime you have created to meet your abilities and fitness level.  Partaking of exercise at the same time each day can be reassuring and the sense of routine gives us a structure that we all need at such a difficult time.

The examination of ourselves can reveal surprising personality traits that we might not have been aware of. There are those who considered themselves to be quite introvert, not particularly in need of company or socialising. However, when placed in a situation where they are unable to meet up with friends or visit restaurants or bars, they realise just how vital human interaction is.  They are almost surprised how much they actively miss the companionship and interaction with others. This realisation can be emotionally reassuring and comforting. It actually feels good to know you are connected enough to people to actively miss them and desire their company. Another way to engage and be part of a wider community is to watch streamed live music. Of course it cannot replace the physical experience but you can be part of that moment.  There are plays, magicians, comedy – in fact a whole raft of entertainment to draw on. This is particularly valuable to those who live on their own, especially those who are isolating. How we ‘top and tail’ our days can also play a fundamental part in keeping balanced. For those based at home, whether working or perhaps home schooling, it would be easy to stay a little later in bed or watch late night films into the early hours. Our bodies and minds respond to routine. Getting up and going to bed at roughly the same time enables us to create our own rhythm.

Having time freed up can allow us the luxury of thinking, planning and dreaming of what we want. To realise our ambitions and embrace activities that embrace what motivates us.  It is a chance to explore interests that there simply isn’t enough time to enjoy when you are working full time. Delving into books that have been gathering dust on your shelves. Learning to play a musical instrument or picking up one you’ve toyed with over the years. The joy we receive from creative ventures are unique.

Gordon Fraser is a Health and Wellbeing Expert, Executive Coach and Motivational Speaker. Mindfulness and gratitude are two areas Fraser feels are important and comments

‘Stop multi-tasking and be in the moment. Do one thing at a time and giving it your full focus will help you maintain your calm. If you’re throwing your lunch down your neck, watching TV and scrolling through the internet – what’s the quality of your experience of life like? I mean, you won’t even taste or savour your food, slow down, chew much and take it easy’.

Regarding gratitude, Fraser suggests ‘Before you go to bed, write down 5 things you’re grateful for. Have a list next to your bed. It really makes a difference. If you are feeling confident and want to pass it forward you can also text people who you’re grateful for too. This first mental step of appreciation is excellent for your mind health. We spend so much time trying to obtain what we don’t have, (like the six pack).’

Gordon Frazer:

gordonfraser.blog

Vanessa Gebhardt:  

freeletics.com

Divorce is an incredibly painful and sad event for any couple. Many find it challenging, often impossible to part in an amicable way that is kind to each other and less traumatic for any children involved.

Bhavna Radia lives in Hertfordshire. Bhavna has three children with her ex husband. Their children are now 10, 15, and 19 years.

The end of the marriage was a decision I reached after lots of thought.I believed that we were not compatible anymore although my ex husband felt that we could make things work.

As you can imagine, we were both quite emotional to start off with. It wasn’t an easy decision for me. We had been married for 15 years and had three very young children (ages 9, 6 and 18 months at that time). There is also a massive stigma in the Asian community around divorce which puts pressure on you to continue in your marriage even if it isn’t working. I knew that my family, friends and society would frown on divorce.

Despite all this, when I made it clear to my ex husband that the divorce would be happening we spent hours talking through everything and he understood that this was something I needed to do.

We didn’t rush into starting any formal divorce proceedings. Instead we allowed our emotions to settle over quite a period of time. We made a short term plan so that living arrangements were agreed. We agreed what we would do around finances over the next few months.

This gave us time to go through some of the stages of grief before dealing with anything else. At this point, I really worked on my emotions and mindset through NLP therapy and counselling. This help me work through pain and devastation that I was experiencing with the relationship coming to an end. I felt that my dreams, hopes and future plans had all been taken away.

At this point my children were 9 years, 6 years and 18 months.I had given up my work as a family solicitor so that I could look after the family while my ex-husband progressed in his career. Because of this I had a fear of the future and how I would manage financially.

We agreed we did not want the stress and cost of court proceedings or to use solicitors, as we feared this would add hostility. My legal experience meant that I understood the process.

After unsuccessfully using a mediator we kept working through the practical steps.  Plans for contact as well as the financial settlement, always placing the children as our primary focus.

Whilst we agreed the basic arrangements for my ex husband’s contact with the children, I left it open for both him and the children to spend more time together and that parenting could not always be squeezed into a schedule.

We have enjoyed days out and travelled abroad together as a family since we have separated. We celebrate the children’s birthdays together. We visited Corfu and made sure we each had some time alone with the children and some time away from everyone. In Rome we celebrated my eldest daughter’s 16th birthday. It was a surprise trip for the children. 

My eldest daughter struggled the most being nearly 10 years old and she did need help from a professional. My 7 year old daughter would voice that she loved both mum and dad.  As long as they both loved her she was fine. We both hoped that if we could stay amicable then the children would be minimally affected.

As a a single mum of three very young children, I really struggled with how I would cope on my own. I was really fearful of the future and how I would manage financially. I wasn’t working and the children were so young.

Divorce is emotionally traumatic. The legal process makes everything harder. Nothing was offered to couples who didn’t want separate solicitors but wanted comprehensive divorce guidance. Mediation did not fully engage a couple because the sessions are so far apart in time and the mediator does not fully support throughout.

After fully understanding how difficult divorce is emotionally and financially, this is why as a former solicitor and mediator I wanted to find a better way to help couples.

Through my legal and personal experience it was important to me that I offer people a different, more amicable way to divorce.  I now offer services to couples so they can achieve divorce with kindness.  

With my guidance, couples can work together and cooperate to deal with everything from the legal divorce, plans for the children, agreements about assets and finances, through to the practical aspects of the separation. I include different therapy sessions so couples arrive with a better mindset.  I also arrange sessions with a financial adviser to empower them before discussion.

Whilst the divorce process was so difficult it allowed me to work on my mindset, what I wanted for my life and I was determined to come out of it in a positive way. I think there are a myriad of reasons that led to us being able to have an amicable divorce.

Right at the beginning we gave ourselves quite a few months to settle in the emotions of the separation prior to trying to reach any agreements. We spent time talking through our relationship and accepting each other’s thoughts and behaviours. This was only possible because I had worked on my mindset and getting different help with my emotions such as NLP and counselling.

We agreed to reach agreements ourselves with the needs of the children as our primary focus so we minimised adding hostility. It wasn’t easy and there was still huge amounts of pain and emotions through our discussions. My family law background definitely helped.

I allowed the children to see their dad as much as possible.I believe that whatever happened in our relationship, it should not have any bearing on their relationship, as long as they were safe and happy.

I hope we can continue to navigate our way through this journey. As separated parents hoping to do the best by our children. Some day we will be watching our children graduate, get married and have children of their own. My hope is that we can both be present in the children’s lives.

My links:
Free ebook “The Definitive Guide to an Amicable Divorce” Download here or visiting our website or this link:
https://www.divorceright.co.uk/how-to-have-an-amicable-divorce
Website: www.divorceright.co.uk

Christmas is a time of year that conjures up numerous images and emotions. The festive season bombards all of our senses, be it glorious decorations, scrumptious food or the fun of wrapping up gifts.

However, the most poignant aspect of Christmas are the relationships that are at the very heart of it. Our emotions are heightened because of the expectation and the nostalgia associated with Christmas. It is often the emotional moments that stay with us, no matter how insignificant they might appear to others. 

As a first time mother, Ann Dignan, 38, from Hertfordshire, was excited and overwhelmed at sharing her first Christmas with her partner and three month old daughter Lily. She brought huge joy to the couple, especially as Ann had been told she was sub fertile several years earlier. ‘When I discovered I was expecting a baby I was truly happy, if a little shocked. There was a part of me that had accepted I would never be a mother. A feeling that made me feel not only incredibly sad but somehow empty, hollow. The discovery of my pregnancy felt literally miraculous. I was a little frightened, hoping everything would go well and desperate that nothing would happen to my unborn baby’.  For Ann, the safe arrival of her daughter was incredible and a huge relief. Being a September baby meant that Christmas was not too far away, adding to the wonder of the season. ‘Although my daughter was only three months, she was absolutely integral to everything that Christmas. All the silliness and fun that can easily be forgotten as adults, rushed back and I felt like a little girl again. We bought her a special Christmas dress and a sparkly clip for her hair – of which she had lots! No doubt she didn’t notice any of it but let’s be honest – it’s more for the parents benefit and seeing their child look gorgeous!’ The first Christmas was magical for Ann, as it is for all first time mums and dads. The usual routines and rituals are honoured but having a baby to share this special season adds some fairy dust onto all of the proceedings. As adults we are lucky enough to enjoy Christmas through the eyes of a child. ‘With Lily, I felt a sense of completion. Christmas was a whole experience again, having a gurgling, inquisitive baby amongst us gave us so much joy and definitely provided an extra loving bond between us. I can’t wait until Lily is old enough to help decorate the tree!’

When we think of Christmas, we often – if not always – picture a family scene with family members of all ages gathered together. However, for some individuals, their Christmas looks significantly different. For them, Christmas is just as enjoyable and equalling fulfilling but in a way that works for them.  

Tony James, 54, from Brighton, grew up in a tight knit family with parents, a brother and sister. His brother and sister eventually left the family home when they met their partners but Tony, remained in the family home. In time, his role as son was replaced as one of their carer. ‘I adored my parents’, says Tony, ‘my personal situation was different to my siblings and to be honest I was content to stay with my parents. They were happy to give me the privacy and space to live with them whilst living my own life. When their health started to decline, I didn’t feel obliged to stay and care for them, I wanted to be there. It was challenging at times, no question. Mum became ill first but dad followed quite soon after. With mum her illness was impacted by dementia so this was another difficult aspect to her health and my caring for her’. Sadly, Tony had lost both of his parents by 2017. The first Christmas without them created a lot of mixed feelings for him. Tony felt lost, rudderless and to some extent, emotionally redundant. He had dedicated so much of his emotional and physical time and energy to them, he felt on shaky ground. ‘Christmas is a hugely emotional time and this was the first one I had experienced without mum and dad. I developed this odd sense of guilt that I did not have to cook or buy gifts on their behalf.  To be honest, I was unsure how I should approach the festive season’. Tony’s siblings invited him to join their families and although warmly appreciated, Tony felt it would be cathartic to spend Christmas by himself. ‘In one way, I wanted to prove I could do it. The thought of being on my own during such an important time of the year felt strange but like a challenge in some ways. 

I made arrangements to see friends during the run up to Christmas. It was important to fuel myself with good cheer and a sense of support. By Christmas Eve I had bought and distributed presents already so I had the luxury of a leisurely visit to a favourite local cafe followed by a walk through nearby woods. Usually, I would be conscious to return home if I had already been out for several hours’. Although this felt like a very different kind of Christmas for Tony, he realised he rather enjoyed not only the freedom but his own company. ‘It is interesting that previously, my idea of a miserable Christmas would be to spend the day alone, watching television and bolting down Christmas dinner on a tray. Now, as that person, I can see there are real positives to spending the day exactly how you want to. Having spent some wonderful festive seasons with my parents and family, I can equally appreciate there is another version of Christmas that is very different but feels just as precious’.

Christmas this year will feel different for all of us. The presence of Covid has cast a shadow on how we can celebrate the season. This is particularly poignant when we are living through such a challenging time and absolutely need to experience as much joy and emotional warmth as we can.

What we love about Christmas is the socialising, the clinking of glasses, wearing silly hats and usually balancing various canapés. It brings out our fun side, the chance to talk, catch up and mingle. With this years restrictions, how can we adhere to what’s asked of us without missing out on this pivotal aspect of Christmas? A new approach could be creating mini Christmases before the big day. Arrange to meet up with one or two friends at a time in the run up.  Wrap up warm, arm yourself with some portable treats and find somewhere to create your own slice of festive fun. Larger groups meeting may not be possible but emotionally you can knit together all your experiences – it doesn’t make them any less special.

There are special activities that we look forward to all year that now seem impossible to engage in such as carol singing, attending Christmas shows and carol concerts. For me, Christmas is heralded by booking a ticket for the Nutcracker ballet. I love how this particular show conjures up that warm Christmas glow – a glow we all want to bask in during the season. 

Rather than concentrating on what we are missing out on, it will feel positive to focus on what activities we can enjoy. When at home with friends and family this Yuletide, create ways of connecting and having fun with each other. As tempting as it maybe to stare at our phones and computers, it is much more rewarding to spend the time enjoying each other’s company. Whether it’s board games, a game of cards or my personal favourite, Trivial Pursuit, it’s fascinating how we become so ridiculously competitive which adds to the fun. If some fresh air is in order, wrap up snuggly, grab a flask of hot chocolate and venture out with your Christmas posse. Walking and talking can be amazingly therapeutic, often more so than sitting in the same room as somebody. Take an appreciative look at what’s around us and soak up what is so important about Christmas – and every day: friends, family, companionships and the nature that surrounds us. In challenging, unusual times, familiarity is comforting and gives us strength for the situations that lie ahead of us.  For those who cannot be with us this Christmas, whatever the reason, it is emotionally important to still include them in the celebrations. Talk about them. Reminisce about past Christmases you shared together and ones you will share in the future.

For those who work, the annual Christmas shindig is always a well deserved highlight. It is a thank you from the company but more importantly it is an opportunity to colleagues to enjoy non work time together. It is a time to remove our professional exterior and have fun with those we work closely with all year. Occasions like this will be sorely missed, not only for the dinner but the memories they create.

So having acknowledged the challenges we all face this Christmas, how can we successfully navigate through this season without feeling we are not losing too much of what makes it such a nostalgic and magical time for us? The most important part of any Christmas are the people – or person – you spend it with. The number of people you can share the season with might be limited, which can have a big impact on you feel but it is vital to enjoy the company of those you are with. 

One pivotal moment on Christmas Day is the lunch. Even those often avoided vegetables like Brussel sprouts are given a warm welcome – especially if some pancetta and chest have been cooked with them. Who can deny the nostalgia joy of a snowball or babycham, in fact, they are becoming de rigueur at many fashionable soirées so clink and revel in Christmases past. A beautifully adorned Christmas table is a wonderful central focus for those who are sharing lunch. Whatever is happening (or not) in the outside world, there is a certain kind of convivial connection that can only be enjoyed around a dining table. It isn’t just the eating that creates the memories, it starts from the moment we wake up. Whether a full English is your preferred Christmas breakfast or a lighter option is opted for, how we begin our celebrations is as important as the rest of the day. It sets a mood, a tone. I have experienced the full range range of breakfast choices and each one brings its own delight. Full English when I was a child – scrumptious. As an adult, a favourite choice is Smoked salmon with scrambled eggs with a glass of fizz – delicious and just a tad decadent.

The most positive way to approach this festive season is to learn how to adapt in order to get the most out of a difficult time. Getting creative is something many of us usually do at Christmas but this year it has never been so important.  Make your home not only a warm, cosy sanctuary but a place of glitz and glamour, somewhere you actively want to spend time over the season.

As an avid theatre goer, the loss of live productions is felt particularly at Christmas. Pantomimes in particular are hugely popular with all the family. In their absence, there is an emergence of online productions where live music, comedy and small scale productions can be viewed. It brings entertainment into your home and provides a much missed audience for the performers.

Those festive joys of watching a favourite Christmas film or enjoying fun games like charades cannot be diminished even if numbers are limited. Creating special memories is more important than ever. Modern technology will never replace actually being with loved ones but using them at such a difficult time at least allows us to see family and friends and raise a toast together. We can connect, albeit virtually.

Christmas will always be a wonderful, nostalgic and poignant time of the year. It envelopes us in a sentimental glow and even if we have to approach Christmas differently this year,

Interracial relationships, however successful are not always emotionally or psychologically easy to navigate for couples who embark on them. Some can experience prejudice from loved ones and society.

One such couple is Lisbeth McDermott, 68, and Conrad McDermott, 56, who live in Royal Wootton Bassett, Wiltshire. They have lived there for 18 years.

Lis is self-employed (up until lockdown) as a professional photographer for 12 years. Lis is now an author, poet and writing mentor. Conrad works as a Warehouse Supervisor.

‘We met in 1993 at a soul music club in Cheltenham. I went with a younger friend as we both loved the music.  I was 41, and Conrad was 28.  I saw him across the room and thought he was cute.  A mutual friend told conrad I fancied him.

He asked me to dance.  After one dance, he returned to his friend.  At the end of the evening, I went and asked him his name. He told me and standing there, feeling an idiot, I was about to walk off, when he asked for my phone number. Conrad did call, much to my surprise.

We went out the next weekend, and have been together for 27 years – married for 18 years.

I had been married for 18 years previously, getting divorced at 40. I hadn’t intended settling down again, but Conrad was special.

Neither of us have children, and Conrad hadn’t lived with anyone, prior to meeting me – poor soul!

As an only child, the sole person I had to worry about was my mother. My father died when I was 19. He wouldn’t have approved. Initially, I kept it from my mum that I had been dating ‘black’ people, because she was quite racist in her attitude.  She was born in 1913, and in her eyes, only ‘a certain sort of woman went out with a black man’. Also, because Conrad has no qualifications, and is not a ‘professional’, she didn’t think he would be able to look after me. 

I pointed out I didn’t need looking after, as I was capable of caring for myself. When she found out who I had been dating, she commented that ‘I had always liked dark skinned people’.  This was because my husband, although white, had a darker complexion to me (which isn’t difficult), and tanned well in the summer. She would tell people that he was English, just to make sure they didn’t have any other thoughts.   

The first Christmas I took Conrad home, his cousin also often stayed with us at weekends. She said, ‘having one visit for Christmas was bad enough, and she didn’t know what the neighbours would think’.  She also thought me going out with a black person might affect my chances at work. My mum once gave Conrad socks for Christmas, ‘do they have Christmas where you come from?”  Without batting an eyelid, he answered, ‘Yes, they do in Birmingham, Rene.’

My Godmother also commented that we might have at least 15 years together…. Not sure of her thinking on that.

Conrad’s sister, was initially not happy about him being with a white person. He was nervous about introducing me to her.  She tends to blow ‘hot and cold’ about it, and even now she comments to him about how ‘people should stick to their own kind’. 

His brother has no issues as his partner is also white.  His nieces and nephew accept me, and we have always got on well.

His mother is a different matter. He didn’t have a good relationship with her anyway. I don’t know if the colour bothers her as much as our age difference. She is only 8 years older than me. I think she probably finds it hard to understand how her son can love someone so near her own age.  We don’t have anything to do with her, so her thoughts don’t impact on our lives at all which is positive for us.

All of my friends are perfectly accepting about our relationship. They all love Conrad.  One of my friends who I grew up with is the only person I have stopped any contact with. This was due to a very derogatory comment her son, my godson made to Conrad when they first met him. I decided I wasn’t going to remain friends with people who were negative to us.

Once at a party, a black girl, who didn’t know either Conrad or me, admonished him for not going out ‘with a ‘sister’. He was shocked that she commented.

We often get stared at when out and about. I’m never sure if it’s the age difference they are noticing, or the colour difference (which may of course be more obvious).  Some people really stare too. Not just a quick glance.  Conrad  calls it the ‘bar code’ look….

To be honest, no one has impacted on our relationship. Even my mum, who I was very close to. I knew how much I loved Conrad. I put him first.  When she made negative comments, I told her if she couldn’t cope with our relationship, she would be missing out on me.  

All of mum’s friends, who are her age, took to Conrad straight away. They didn’t seem at all phased by either his age or colour!

Conrad had never considered being married but I believe quite strongly in marriage. I think if you love someone, you commit to them completely, which to me means marriage, although I’m not religious.

Conrad had joked he would marry me on my 50th, so in the end I called his bluff. He said if I organised it, he’d be there!   We organised it together. Conrad didn’t want a large wedding. We got married in in Cheshire, in a new venue which was beautiful. We took two friends with us as witnesses, and had a lovely weekend away with them.

The following weekend we had a party to celebrate my 50th. We shared the fact we’d got married with everyone, which was fab’.

“Mixed Feelings” by Lis McDermott is now available on
www.lismcdermottauthor.co.uk

The media has extensively covered the situation regarding refugees and asylum seekers. Former England striker Gary Lineker has agreed to welcome refugee to live at his Surrey home. Their plight and the incredibly difficult challenges they face inspire the best of our humanity but also can stir negative reactions in some individuals.

What is a Refugee?

Refugees are people who have fled war, violence, conflict or persecution and crossed an international border to find safety in another country.  They often have had to flee with little more than the clothes on their back, leaving behind homes, possessions, jobs and loved ones.

Refugees are defined and protected in international law.  The 1951 Refugee Convention is a key legal document and defines a refugee as:

‘someone who is unable or unwilling to return to their country of origin owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership if a particular social group, or political opinion’.

For those who watch reports on their struggles and feel they not only want to help but have a heartfelt desire to become involved in supporting such people.

When a person is given refugee status, they have just 28 days to find accommodation and apply for mainstream benefits before they are evicted from asylum accommodation.

An organisation that was created to help is Refugees at Home.  They are a UK charity which connects those with a spare room in their home to refugees and asylum seekers.

Nicola Clarke is 61 and lives in London.  She was journalist for the BBC for over thirty years. Nicola is currently studying for a PhD in early modern history at Birkbeck University of London.  She became involved in hosting through Refugees at Home. Nicola continues her story, ‘I know one of the founders of Refugees at Home very well, we were trainee journalists together many moons ago.  

I thought it was a really brilliant idea to match people who were in desperate need of accommodation with people who had a spare room, which I did. I have seen enough refugee crises around the world to know that finding yourself in these circumstances can happen to anyone at any time and it can be very difficult to find practical ways to help. Sitting in front of the television watching events unfold and not being able to do anything is very frustrating, hosting helps relieve some of that frustration’. 

For Nicola, wanting to help was very matter of fact ‘I didn’t do it for any other reason really than I think if you can help you should’, she states, ‘it has been rewarding and interesting but that is of secondary importance.  The main points is that in some cases it has literally kept people from sleeping on buses or on the streets.  It has been a joy to see guests rebuild their lives and careers and be reunited with family. I started hosting in 2016. I have hosted five guests in all, my longest stayed for 551 nights (guest nights is how we count things at Refugees@ Home) my shortest for 14. I have hosted some people with an excellent command of English and other where google translate has been a life saver, but you get by. 

It has been a joy to see people rebuild their lives and careers and be reunited with family. My first guest has passed her medical conversion courses and is now working as a doctor in the UK which is terrific news. 

I have learnt a lot from all my guests and I have been to Wembley to watch Spurs which is something I wouldn’t have done if one of my guests hadn’t been so very keen to see a football match at Wembley.  I haven’t managed to get anyone up to Leicester to watch the Rugby as yet, and that may be tricky for a while with Covid. 

My current guest has been with me for nearly a year, six months of which has obviously been through Covid and Lockdown. I hope that no having to worry about housing during a pandemic has helped her to cope with everything that 2020 has thrown at us all. I think we got through lockdown pretty well, the main thing we had to juggle was access to the room with the keyboard in it. I am an enthusiastic if not particularly talented recorder player and my guest is teaching herself the piano online. I guess lockdown gave us no excuse to skip practice and from what I hear she is making great progress. 

How do those closest to refugees at home feel about their loved ones hosting? ‘Family and friends were all pretty supportive’, confirms Nicola, ‘My cousin invited my first guest to a family Christmas and introduced them to the delights of charades and a myriad of Christmas board games. She has gone on to host herself and I will continue to host’.

The UK is home to 1% of the world’s 29.6 million refugees.  Asylum seekers make up a very small percentage of overall migrants to the UK with study and work cities as the main reasons why people why people want to come to the country, according to research from Oxford’s Migration Observatory.

Facts based on the Government’s latest immigration statistics – for the year ending 2020:

• People seeking asylum make up a tiny proportion of new arrivals in Britain
• Not everyone gets a grant of protection the first time their case is looked at 
• Refusals are often overturned on appeal
• Asylum cases often take years to be resolved 
• People seeking asylum receive little financial support and are not allowed to work 
• Newly granted refugees often face destitution and homelessness 
• Refugees face huge challenges in reuniting with their separated families 
• 38,756 the number of cases awaiting an initial decision for more than 6 months
• 53% of applications granted asylum or protection at initial decision stage in the year ending June 2020
• 32,423 asylum applications made in the last 12 months

…a job full of twinkly expectation or a somewhat arduous experience?

Shopping brings out an array of emotions at the best of times but Christmas is a time of hope, fun and a desire for gifts both needed and ones which are spectacularly indulgent.  Either way, the glorious unwrapping of a present is a theatrical experience whether a pair of socks (sorry male relative) or a sparkling diamond necklace.

When should we begin our Christmas present buying?  For some, it literally starts in Boxing Day when those oh so tempting reductions are in the sale.  I have to admire those who bravely stand in a queue at 5 am Boxing Day morning whilst still digesting yesterday’s Christmas dinner with all the trimmings – not to mention a cheeky schooner if sherry.  I actually believe this supremely early gift purchasing is not just about bargain hunting.  There is a sense of community spirit about people waiting together in the cold with one common goal. 

For those who prefer enjoying their Christmas season at home, in the warm watching television repeats on a loop, Christmas shopping can wait until a lot closer to the season.

When August arrives, Christmas products make their first appearance on store shelves.  Do I want to stare at Chocolate Father Christmas figures when the sun is still (possibly) shining, realistically, not particularly.  However, by the time November arrives, I am ready to embrace all manner of Christmas paraphernalia.  By then, I have developed an inner Christmas glow which allows me – guilt free – to wander happily amongst Christmas items.

For many individuals, the Christmas shopping season begins properly when the shops are adorned with decorations and lights create a magical atmosphere in our streets. Shopping becomes a more rounded experience over the Christmas season, it is not solely focused on visiting a shop, buying items you want and leaving. The Christmas purchasing experience is more welcoming with free samples of food and drink in store, cheesy but jolly Christmas songs ringing out and a spirit of conviviality amongst us.

For those who find shopping in-store a challenger simply prefer to buy online, buying can still be a fun activity, if a somewhat solitary one. The most important aspect of any gift is the kindness and thoughtfulness behind it. Whether in a shop or online, at that moment, you are thinking about a person who is special to you. That precise moment is not monetary, it is a desire to give another person a gift, a display of affection, love, friendship. In other words – priceless.

Whatever your budget, how do we choose what to buy? Shops and online retailers offer an array of gift ideas, from the practical to the extravagant. Of course, our spending ability influences some of our decisions but how well we know the recipients of our presents is equally important. A fun Christmas jumper (think Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones) might not be appreciated by some, whereas I personally know more than one person who would be incredibly excited to receive such a gift. With the increasing commercialisation of the season, it is easy to see it as merely a gift giving season, with an enjoyable over indulgence of food and drink. This would be over simplifying what is often a profoundly important time of the year. A season we look back on with great nostalgia and warmth. Many of the most pivotal times in our lives are connected to Christmas.  The gifts we give and receive are a tangible reminder of how we feel about each other and our deep connection to this most poignant time of the year.

Buying for the season rather than gifts can prove to be a food version of a trip down memory lane. Why are snow balls and babycham considered acceptable drinks at Christmas when they are affectionately mocked the rest of the year?  How can it be we are unable to drink a cup of tea without a mince pie? Throughout the year we politely decline accomplishments for fear of widening our waistlines. At Christmas, all the usual rules simply don’t apply – and thank goodness they don’t!  The joy of this time of year is precisely that:  it only lasts a few days so it would dampen our spirits and sense of indulgence if we monitored everything we ate and drank. Those simple pleasures, rituals almost, of a glass of something fizzy in the morning whilst opening presents. When would we ever consider pouring a glass of sherry at that time of the time? That is the uniqueness of Christmas. For that particular day, or a few days, we live in this wonderful, surreal bubble.

Before we even start Christmas shopping, surely one of the most enticing reasons to venture out are the dazzling street decorations and the breath-taking window displays. Liberty and Harvey Nichols in London are just two stores who are renowned for their Christmas displays but walk down any self-respecting High Street and you will be enticed in with a healthy mixture of gifts, treats doused with Christmas nostalgia.

Window displays can be amazing. Visiting Paris with my then eight year old daughter was a memorable experience. The shops displayed dancing mice alongside violin playing mice.  All of them were dressed with a layer of ‘snow’. I had never seen such a display, it was more like a performance and it was utterly compelling.  Street lights and decorations are like an aperitif at dinner – it heightens your appetite for all things Christmas. Visiting shops seem less of a chore and more of a sensory experience.  Who can resist the samples of food and drink that are so often handed out?

There is a feeling of conviviality amongst Christmas shoppers. This is the time of year we genuinely want to embrace the buying experience, after all, we have a vested interest in picking up our favourite Christmas delights as we can enjoy the anticipation of devouring them. Enjoy the experience!